It may seem empty... But I'm working on posting more regularly...
|Posted by Star on July 25, 2013 at 4:40 PM||comments (0)|
What I hear constantly and hate the most is about how "You (meaning me) do this and that just fine! you go here and there and don't have a panic attack, you do this and that yet claim to be disabled! You don't have this "disability" at dog shows, convenient huh, you're lying you walk and run around the ring just fine, bla bla bla etc."
But what they fail to realize is yes, I do go to the mall. I do push myself to be more active or social despite my problems with it, I DO struggle with any indoor crowded space. Some places are worse than others, some days I'm feeling well and others I'm definitely not doing well.
That chronic pain comes in waves. There are days where I feel fine, and others I can't even get out of bed because of the pain. I'm heavily medicated and well rested when I know I have to exert myself. This disease (Ankylosing Sponditis) is progressing and it's standing for any extended period of time that gives me the most trouble. One day I will not be able to do any of these things.
What they don't realize is outdoor events like street fairs or dog shows are easier on my Agoraphobia, I can at any time escape to a quite open area. Indoor concerts or super crowded conventions I simply have never been able to do/do without my service dog.
What they fail to realize is i also suffer from PTSD and strange men are huge triggers to me. If I may "appear alright" by being able to go to a public place, I still don't -feel- safe. It's these intense phobias that would prevent me from leaving my house or going into many public places before my service dog.
What they refuse to understand is depression comes in waves. I may seem strong when people say these things but everything hurts It builds up inside and I start to believe their doubts.
What they don't realize is I would NEVER wish this on my worst enemy. I say this every day that I'm just trying to survive. I just want to make it through TODAY. I just want to be invisible and keep my head down. I didn't ask for you to judge me, to make nasty comments to be or my use of a service dog.
|Posted by Star on January 3, 2013 at 12:20 AM||comments (2)|
I know you don't know me. I know you don't know I have a personality disorder, I don't care for the opinions of other people and often get defensive for no reason or hurt easily, the chemistry in my brain makes it seem like a resonable jump for me, but other people may not follow. I don't like to be yelled at, I don't like to dwell on the past, I shut down if you tone is just a bit off, if you want any information from me forget it. You'll only get it if I offer.
That being said, I react in certain ways when people assume things about me. When they ask my age in the middle of an argument, or try to offer advice for a situation thhey don't know more than 20% about.
Not everyone knows I use Voltaire as my service dog. This is only his 2nd full year of working for me fully trained. So it may sitll be news to some. In the beginning, I was almost ashamed to talk about it. There is such a stigma agianst mental illness that you try to hide it, because people will think you're crazy, stupid (retarded) or violent. But it's not like that. I hit a point a few months in that this is who I am, and who I'll be so deal with it. I faced it by blasting my Facebook page with photos of Voltaire in his service dog gear and let people figure it out themselves. But I guess some arrived to other conclusions.
I've been accused of being a faker many times. Not by friends or those I know, but by random strangers that know less about me than my FB friends that live in other states/countries.
How can they even say that? When they have never met me, or my dog or seen my struggle?
So I TOTALLY just want to drag around a horse sized dog with me all day, not fitting in anywhere because he's so huge, getting dirty looks from strangers and having to answer idiotic questions every 5 seconds because it's FUN??? Seriously??
The fakers I've run into aren't even good at it. They slap a vest on Mugsy and think that's all they need. Their dog has no training and yaps all the damn time, solicits pets form strangers. sits on the seat at a resturant and gets fed from the table, SERIOUSLY?
Would I be in the hospital ever other week if I were "faking"?
Would my medical bills total OVER HALF of my income if I were "faking"?
Would I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars and various service dog vests,harnesses, collars, and leashes trying to find what's the best for my dog to do his job in, if he were not traiend to assist me in very specific ways"?
Does that make sense to you? If it does I'd love to know how. Because now you're just being rediculous.